It’s probably easy to find a job at a pie factory. They always have a lot of turnover!

"I don't know why you didn't enjoy the Black Mass last night," said one heretic to another. "It was a blasphemy!"

Why do Surrealists love lemonade?

Because it's Tanguy!

Why was the venom specialist’s speech a failure?

He had awful poise and didn’t have an anecdote!

Why are cows always afraid?

Because of their udder cowardice!

Does a racecar driver lose if he drives off-course?

Off-course!

How do nerds make themselves more attractive?

They attend magnet schools!

Why did the girl return The Scarlet Letter to the library right after checking it out?

She realized she had already red it!

Why did the compulsive liar go to the dentist?

He had a truthache!

When given the choice to either jump or climb into a hole, which did the archaeologist choose?

The ladder!

A realistic mannequin is, at least on the surface, an artificial woman or man akin to a living human being.

A bacchanal might not sound so wild today, but to the ancient Romans, it was revelutionary!

Why was the farmer also known as “the Pimp”? He was in charge of all of the hoes!

Why did the naive redhead always make herself blush in front of the guy she liked?

She heard that he liked red heads!

Why did the jogger always go to the gym wearing sweatpants?

Because by the end of every workout, he was sweating and panting!

"Maybe I should become a boxer," said the pirate. "After all, I have a sharp left hook!"

What was Medusa's favorite kind of cheese?

Gorgonzola!

Why didn’t the jaded old man put his glasses on to see the parade?

He didn’t care for spectacles!

Never mess with an audio engineer’s equipment, unless you’re looking for treble!

How does President Obama’s chef get him to eat his least favorite veggie?

He calls it Barackoli!

An aspiring opera tenor had to stop practicing at home.

His singing disturbed his roommate, because it was a little flat!

Why couldn't the pirate get a job as a birthday clown?

His hook always popped dubloons!

“Like any professional stripper,” she said, “I open the top of the cake and pop out. But the icing on the cake is when I sing on the cake!”

What did one trailer park spinster say to the other?

"Don't waste your whole life waiting for a knight in moonshining armor to whiskey you away on a night train! Besides, he would still treat you like a hooch!"

Why did the hen throw out all of her rooster’s records?

She was tired of hearing nothing but Bach, Bach, Bach!

I've heard that skinny guys have an advantage in eating contests, but I find that hard to swallow.

What’s the difference between an old woman and an old man?

One has tea time, and the other has a tee time!

Why is the world's only proven psychic legally forbidden to gamble?

Casinos how to win every time!

What do women who normally read chick lit prefer during “that time of the month?”

Choco lit!

A chef shared her ambitious plans with the kitchen staff, and all of them were supportive—except for one line cook. When the chef finally achieved her dream of owning a new restaurant, she brought everything with her but the kitchen cynic!

For Christmas, a couch potato got an HD plasma television to replace his analog set. His resolution for the new year: 1080p.