The so-called discovery of the Americas by Christopher Columbus was merely Occidental.

What is a mummy's favorite type of music?

Wrap!

What does a Nazi turkey say?

“Goebbels, Goebbels!”

What did the priest say when he smelled a parishioner’s fart in the church?

“Pew!”

A chef walked into his kitchen and caught the cooks arguing and making a big mess, even throwing fish at each other. “I’m closing the restaurant,” he sighed. “The whiting is on the wall!”

A friend of mine hurt her leg in a hurricane, so I got her a cane.

“You're fired!” the doctor shouted at the nurse. “The way you’ve been testing my patients has been testing my patience!”

“Dammit!” he yelled as he smashed the computer keyboard. “I can’t work this goddamned glorified calculator! Where the hell is the freakin’ cursor?!”

His wife, who was watching the whole time, said, “I’m looking at him!”

Nuns who want to quit smoking often play soccer to kick the habit.

Should the USA ban fireworks? I vote “nay,” since they inspire reminiscence about the nation’s nascence.

What’s a great white’s favorite way to barbecue?

With sharkcoal!

“This restaurant might be called ‘Oasis,’” she said, “but I just got lost in the dessert!”

“I don’t mean to pester you,” said the pastor, “but I hate plain pasta. Please pass the pesto.”

“My wife cries so much when she listens to opera, I call it ragtime!”

Why do prostitutes always think it’s Wednesday?

Never underguesstimate your frenemies!

“Now you’ve met every member of the gang,” said the biker.

“Thanks for introducing me,” said the recruit as he hopped onto his motorcycle. “But I do have one question: Is Harley David’s son?”

“Gay marriage is impossible,” the elderly gentleman said. “No matter how fabulously gay the wedding is, the marriage itself is always miserable!”

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What does a monkey’s ghost eat?

Boo-nanas!

A hobo walks into a saloon and says, “Gimme a shot.”

The bartender says, “A shot o’ what?”

The hobo says, “A shot of anything.”

So the bartender shoots him.

“I think that dessert got me sick,” said Everett Flanagan. “I’ll never eat flan again!”

If there’s a war on drugs, why aren’t the police shooting the drugs?

Whenever someone says my jokes stink, I say, “Shut up, you stupid, dumb dummy. You can’t smell a joke!”

I recommend taking your driving test in the red-light district. Down there, you get extra credit for rear-ending.

Why did the Chinese food restaurant hire a kung fu master?

So he could chop sticks in half to make chopsticks!

“Would you like some soup?” the chef asked his friend.

“I’m not hungry,” she replied. “Maybe a little ladle.”

“Everyone thinks I said Björk sucks,” he said. “But why would I slander a fellow Icelander?”

"That lake is literally crappy," he told his fishing buddy. "I went there with a net, and all I caught was a bass turd!"

Some women get so much collagen plumping that they need lip-osuction.

"This car is junk, Roy. I thought you said you drive a Rolls-Royce."

"I do. It rolls, and it's Roy's!"

The casserole tasted like castor oil, so I just ate a Kaiser roll.

Speaking before you think is pretarded.

“They say that ethnic women have bigger breasts,” she said. “And I guess they’re right. Mine are a T!”

Seeing himself in a mirror for the first time, an ugly hermit grunted, “Whoa! Is Me!”

What do lumberjacks drink at the end of a long, hard day of logging?

Lager!

I went to Chinatown for an iguana and got a great deal at Li Pin Lizards.

He was supposed to be at the shop making shoes with his wife, but she caught him in the basement making gloves with another woman.

A shrink tried to teach her precocious son about Freud, but he was just a little too much on the Jung side.

“I’m thinking of painting this room magenta.”

“I don’t know if fuchsia do that.”

“You know that I come from a very traditional family,” said Melanie to her fiancé. “I cant elope, honey. Do you still love me?”

What did the carpenter and her friends do during her bachelorette party?

They stripped a Chippendale furniture set!

What do you call a puddle of dog diarrhea?

A poo-dle!

[Special thanks to Erin and Zoe for helping me to edit this masterpiece.]

What do pagans eat for breakfast?

Pan cakes with maypole syrup!

Nearly bankrupt, a fortune cookie manufacturer decided to improve its product. Instead of a bland vanilla cracker, it was now a delectable vanilla biscuit. However, it was such a high-fat dessert that people called it the “four-chin” cookie.

So many infants are bottle-fed these days that, for the few who actually get breast-fed, it’s a real teat!

“Never, ever set foot on the neighbor’s farm during planting season,” she said to her daughter. “That’s a seedy area.”

I can’t imagine why anyone, even a moustachioed villain, would tie a damsel to railroad tracks. One can only assume that he has a loco motive!

“What would you say,” he asked his roommate, “if you found me collapsed in a corner of the basement, drunk as a blind fish, with a half-empty bottle of Welch’s grape juice in my lap?”

“That’s a big ‘if,’” his buddy replied, “so I’d say that’s hypathetic!”

I have never seen a priest at an investment bank in vestments.

While writing The Hunchback of Notre-Dame, Victor Hugo tried to help the French National Police solve a murder. However, they asked him to stop when he declared, for the hundredth time, “This clue rings a bell, and I have a hunch it'll crack the case!”

“I see myself as an artist,” said the mechanic. “A car tunist, if you will.”

whail [whale + wail]: n. the cry of a whale.

“Marine biologists are frequently teased by archaeologists because they are easily moved to tears by whails.”

“What do you think of this brown?” a man asked his wife, pointing to one of many cans of paint on the hardware store shelf.

She thought for a moment, then answered, “Compared to the darker shades and the beiges, this one seems mediochre.”

drinkle [drink + wrinkle]: n. a facial wrinkle caused by years of excessive alcohol consumption.

“She used to be the hottest freshman at every kegger, but now she’s the most drinkled sophomore at the off-campus dive.”

Why did the panda file a lawsuit?

He had been bamboozled!

How much sex do nuns have?

Nun!

A biker and his girlfriend hopped onto their motorcycle’s leather seat. They were both dressed in leather boots, leather pants, leather jackets, leather gloves, and leather hats. As the biker jerked his leg up to straddle the growling machine, he tore his pants. Embarrassed, he sat motionless and silent for a minute or so. “What are you waiting for?” asked his oblivious girlfriend. “Leather rip!”

Why did the witch put too much eye of newt in the cauldron?

She didn’t know which unit of measurement to use: pint or gram!

ouchdown [touchdown - t]: n. in American football, a touchdown scored by the team you're not cheering (or playing) for.

“According to legend, the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers invented the ouchdown.”

Why should you always pick up your dog’s poo?

A policeman will give you a ticket if feces you leave it there!

Why was the smoker so embarassed in the auditorium?

She couldn’t stop coffin during a lung speech about the fatal dangers of smoking.

How can you get logs from a tree?

Just axe it for some!

How do snowmen get around?

They ride bicicles!

Comedy is a lot like driving: you have to know how to change gears. You can’t be a comedian if you can’t handle a schtick shift.

"Do you really have to be so loud at the dinner table?" Daniel asked his boisterous family. His brother answered:

"It ain't din-din without a din, Dan!"

2011 is the Year of the Rabbit, according to the Chinese Zodiac. Ironically, it is not a leap year.

After it was shut down, the old insane asylum was turned into a museum, which now displays countless objects of hysterical significance.

“I’m sorry I lied about being a prince,” croaked a frog to the girl who kissed him. “Can you frogive me?”

It’s probably easy to find a job at a pie factory. They always have a lot of turnover!

"I don't know why you didn't enjoy the Black Mass last night," said one heretic to another. "It was a blasphemy!"

Why do Surrealists love lemonade?

Because it's Tanguy!

Why was the venom specialist’s speech a failure?

He had awful poise and didn’t have an anecdote!

Why are cows always afraid?

Because of their udder cowardice!

Does a racecar driver lose if he drives off-course?

Off-course!

How do nerds make themselves more attractive?

They attend magnet schools!

Why did the girl return The Scarlet Letter to the library right after checking it out?

She realized she had already red it!

Why did the compulsive liar go to the dentist?

He had a truthache!

When given the choice to either jump or climb into a hole, which did the archaeologist choose?

The ladder!

A realistic mannequin is, at least on the surface, an artificial woman or man akin to a living human being.

A bacchanal might not sound so wild today, but to the ancient Romans, it was revelutionary!

Why was the farmer also known as “the Pimp”? He was in charge of all of the hoes!

Why did the naive redhead always make herself blush in front of the guy she liked?

She heard that he liked red heads!

Why did the jogger always go to the gym wearing sweatpants?

Because by the end of every workout, he was sweating and panting!

"Maybe I should become a boxer," said the pirate. "After all, I have a sharp left hook!"

What was Medusa's favorite kind of cheese?

Gorgonzola!

Why didn’t the jaded old man put his glasses on to see the parade?

He didn’t care for spectacles!

Never mess with an audio engineer’s equipment, unless you’re looking for treble!

How does President Obama’s chef get him to eat his least favorite veggie?

He calls it Barackoli!

An aspiring opera tenor had to stop practicing at home.

His singing disturbed his roommate, because it was a little flat!

Why couldn't the pirate get a job as a birthday clown?

His hook always popped dubloons!

“Like any professional stripper,” she said, “I open the top of the cake and pop out. But the icing on the cake is when I sing on the cake!”

What did one trailer park spinster say to the other?

"Don't waste your whole life waiting for a knight in moonshining armor to whiskey you away on a night train! Besides, he would still treat you like a hooch!"

Why did the hen throw out all of her rooster’s records?

She was tired of hearing nothing but Bach, Bach, Bach!

I've heard that skinny guys have an advantage in eating contests, but I find that hard to swallow.

What’s the difference between an old woman and an old man?

One has tea time, and the other has a tee time!

Why is the world's only proven psychic legally forbidden to gamble?

Casinos how to win every time!

What do women who normally read chick lit prefer during “that time of the month?”

Choco lit!

A chef shared her ambitious plans with the kitchen staff, and all of them were supportive—except for one line cook. When the chef finally achieved her dream of owning a new restaurant, she brought everything with her but the kitchen cynic!

For Christmas, a couch potato got an HD plasma television to replace his analog set. His resolution for the new year: 1080p.