Why did the carpenter call the plumber?

He had broken his toilet trying to flush his stool!

Why didn't the sailor buy anything during Black Friday or Cyber Monday?

Nothing good was on sail!

Why did the man lie to his wife about his extramarital affair?

The truth would have hurt hurt too much!

Why didn’t the oboist ever enter any music competitions?

He knew he never woodwind a prize because he couldn’t reed music!

Who leaves his head in the guillotine basket?

No body!

The world's fanciest vegetarian restaurant serves a twenty-six course meal that begins with asparagus and ends with zucchini.

It's an alphabetical order!

Why couldn't the woman cook on Thanksgiving?

She left turkeys and all the groceries in the car!

What did the beaver say when he couldn’t find his way back to the river?

"Dam it!"

Why did the perfume manufacturer need to temporarily relocate?

It was demolishing its olfactory to build a new one!

How can you tell that an actress isn't very good?

When she cries on stage, she has to faucet!

What did the cab driver do when his beloved car broke down?

He had it stuffed by a taxi-dermist!

Why should you be careful to never drop bologna?

It’s as delicatessen newborn baby!

Why are hermit crabs unpopular?

They’re too shellfish!

"Where are you? I can't see you!"

"That's because I'm wearing an invisibility suit."

"That's incogneato!"