Why is it always disappointing to celebrate New Year's Eve in Times Square?

Every year, when everyone is counting on them, the event planners drop the ball!

“Every time I drink at a New Year’s Eve party,” she sighed, “I hook up with a new guy.”

“What’s wrong with that?” asked her loose friend.

“He always says, ‘Alcohol,’ but he never does!”

What’s a gastroenterologist’s favorite sport?

Boweling!

Who fixed the salmon’s facial injuries after it escaped from a fishhook?

A plastic sturgeon!

Why is Christianity so popular with Americans?

It's the only ham-eating Abrahamic religion!

What does Santa Claus tell his elves throughout the busy holiday season?

“If you want overtime pay, make sure Yule log your hours.”

What did the protesters shout at the Christmas tree salesman?

"Fir is murder!"

Why didn't Mrs. Claus roast a Christmas goose this year?

After cooking everything else, she had run out of thyme!

What did the snob say when she saw someone drinking a can of soda during intermission?

"He shouldn't even be here. How could someone who drinks Fanta love the opera?!"

What did the fat Latin scholar say as he looked at himself in a mirror?

"Sui, sui!"

"Do you think we'll get a blizzard this winter?"

"Yes, snow, maybe so."

How does an astronomer save money?

Eclipse coupons.

What's the best way to keep your skull elastic?

 Scholastic activity!

Why was the ancient Greek tour guide fired?

 He always got lost during the one-Minotaur through the labyrinth!

He claimed to be a medical ornithologist, but when the university vetted him, he turned out to be a quack.

What did Diego Rivera say to the art student about her back-and-white sketch?

 "It looks good so far. Feel Frida Kahlo it in."

When shopping for a wig, always use your head. If you don't haggle, you're going toupee too much!

What does Sarah Palin's publicist say when asked whether Palin will run for president in 2012?

 "I don't know, but Alaska!"

What did the crow say when he defecated?

 “Cah-cah!”

"Water you wading for?" a turtle asked a tortoise who was staring at the ocean from the shore. "Dive in and sea wet it's like!"

Before the popularization of ethnic take-out restaurants, the idea of food that was quick and exotic was considered quixotic.

Most people don't like going to see a dentist.

For the few who do enjoy it, it's transcendental.

Why do voters sometimes choose young candidates over more experienced politicians?

They assume that novices have no vices!

"My readers are never satisfied," cried the exasperated critic. "No matter how I rate a movie, they write irate letters!"

What did Shakespeare’s girlfriend ask him?

"How do I look in this dress? Chubby, or not chubby?"

Why did the wizard flunk out of school?

He couldn’t spell!

Why did the priest open a shoe repair shop?

To save more soles!

Did you hear about the smoker who went crazy?

He's in a menthol institution!

When my wife makes breakfast, I can drink the milk, but I can't eat the bread.

I guess I'm black-toast intolerant!

"When our family celebrated Hanukkah, we always eight light suppers, because eating a latke dove distracted us from the holiday's true meaning."

"Don't worry about the fireplace. It's cooling off. We can leave it."

"Just let me extinguish December before we go."

Why did the carpenter call the plumber?

He had broken his toilet trying to flush his stool!

Why didn't the sailor buy anything during Black Friday or Cyber Monday?

Nothing good was on sail!

Why did the man lie to his wife about his extramarital affair?

The truth would have hurt hurt too much!

Why didn’t the oboist ever enter any music competitions?

He knew he never woodwind a prize because he couldn’t reed music!

Who leaves his head in the guillotine basket?

No body!

The world's fanciest vegetarian restaurant serves a twenty-six course meal that begins with asparagus and ends with zucchini.

It's an alphabetical order!

Why couldn't the woman cook on Thanksgiving?

She left turkeys and all the groceries in the car!

What did the beaver say when he couldn’t find his way back to the river?

"Dam it!"

Why did the perfume manufacturer need to temporarily relocate?

It was demolishing its olfactory to build a new one!

How can you tell that an actress isn't very good?

When she cries on stage, she has to faucet!

What did the cab driver do when his beloved car broke down?

He had it stuffed by a taxi-dermist!

Why should you be careful to never drop bologna?

It’s as delicatessen newborn baby!

Why are hermit crabs unpopular?

They’re too shellfish!

"Where are you? I can't see you!"

"That's because I'm wearing an invisibility suit."

"That's incogneato!"